Hotline Bling
by carbonatedfruit
Summary: In which Ino mistakes the Akatsuki Hotline for the Instant Friend Hotline. Vacations, MILFs, and movies ensue.


_Started: August 9, 2016  
Finished: August 10, 2016_

 _Ino's therapist told her that she should try to make new friends that she hasn't known since she was a kid. And somehow, she mistook the Akatsuki Hotline for the Instant Friend Hotline. Pein/Ino FRIENDSHIP_

* * *

Day One

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"My therapist says I need more new friends."

"Um… well, okay. That's cool. What am I supposed to do with that information?"

"Be my friend, obviously."

"Do you even know who you're talking to?"

"Well, I can't know if you won't tell me."

"Uh….."

"I'll start. My name's Ino Yamanaka, but I respond to Ino, Sexy Bitch, Hoe, Slutbag, and Babygirl. And Princess, but only if it's said in an endearing manner."

"Um."

"Now it's your turn."

"This is the hotline for an S-Class criminal organization. I have more important things to attend to."

Cue the dial tone.

"Che, how rude."

Day Two

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"Yes, hello, to whom am I speaking?"

"This is Pein. What can I do for you, ma'am?"

"HA! Jokes on you, it's me again!"

"For fuck's sake…"

"Pein, huh? That's a pretty dark name. The fuck were your parents thinking?"

"Insulting my name isn't how you convince me to be your friend."

"Aw, shit you're right. I guess my friendship with Forehead just isn't an ideal friendship to base this off of."

"Who?"

"You know what, I'll try again another day. Bye kid!"

"I'm almost entirely sure I'm older than you…"

But she had already hung up.

Day Four

"Akatsuki Hotline, this is Kisame speaking, how may I help you?"

"Oh."

"Yes?"

"I was looking for Pein."

"Ah, I see. Wednesdays are his days off. So I'm here all day. You must be Fino."

" _Ino_ , you dick. God, get it right. Wait, what'd he say about me?"

"He told me some chick might call looking for him. He said to hang up on you after telling you to stop calling this number."

"Well that's rude."

"Yeah, I'm sorry on his behalf. It's been a long week for us. You know, being an S-ranked evil organization requires a lot of work. And he's the head honcho around here."

"Oh wow, good for him! I'm glad he's finally making something out of his life."

"Um, how long have you known him?"

"Four days, including today."

"Um… well… okay. Stop calling this number. I'm hanging up now."

And there was the dial tone.

And Ino thought that there was something about this "Kisame" person's voice that made him sound rather blue. As in sad. Not like the color. That'd be silly.

Day Five

"This is the Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"Pein baby!"

"I thought Kisame told you to stop calling this number."

"Yeah, well I was going to, but then I got two tickets for the movies this Friday. You in?"

"…what movie?"

"Finding Dory."

"Ugh, fuck, I wanted to see that so bad."

"So, what? You down?"

Ino heard the rustling of papers. And then a long groan.

"Friday doesn't work for me. We've got an abduction mission to carry out."

"Oh man. Well, next time I guess…"

"Hey, wait. No! I'm not going to be your dumb friend! Stop calling here!"

And he hung up.

Ino sighed. She had been _so_ close.

Day Seven

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"Best Friend Hotline, how can I help you?"

"That might've worked on Kisame, but not me. I know that you called me, not the other way around."

"Maybe I should be friends with Kisame instead then!"

So Ino slammed the phone down into its cradle.

Day Eleven

"Akatsuki Hotline, this is Kisame speaking, how may I help you?"

"Kisa-bae!"

"Sharon?"

"Who the hell is Sharon?"

"Oh shit, um, Barbara?"

"This is Ino, you brute."

"Who?"

" _Fino_."

"Oh! Pein's wannabe friend! What's good?"

"Tell me why you only date women with middle aged soccer mom names."

"Because they're all middle aged soccer moms."

"Um. Ya _nasty_. I was calling to see if you'd be my friend instead of Pein, but you're weird, fam."

"Those words would hurt if Itachi didn't already tell me that every day."

"If you weren't so weird, I might've felt sorry for you."

"So you don't want to be friends?"

"That would be a no."

Day Twelve

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I–"

"Kisame is a weird kid."

"Well if it isn't my _best friend_."

"Ugh, it's about time you admitted it."

"I was being sarcastic."

And Ino hung up on him.

Pein hoped it would be the last he heard of her.

Day Thirteen

It wasn't.

"Akatsuki Hotline, how–"

"You would not _believe_ what happened to me, bestie!"

"Oh God."

"So here I am, out at a bar with Forehead–"

"I still don't know who–"

"–and these guys bought us some drinks and stuff and it was great! She just broke up with her dumb hot boyfriend, Sasuke. You might know him. He has duckbutt hair, you can't miss it. Anyway, I took her out to flirt with new boys so she'd forget about him, and I did her makeup and hair and gave her clothes to borrow and we looked _hot_. Like I'm not gonna brag or anything, but Kisame probably would've done us, and he only bangs MILFs."

"Uh…"

"So we meet these two guys and they're mad cute! They let us order whatever drinks we want, and soon we are just trashed! Oh man, the last time I got that drunk was the day after the Chuunin exams. So it turns out they're roommates, and they invite me and Forehead back to their apartment. So we go, and I'm making out with one and Forehead's in the other room making out with the other one, and then he stops. And I swear, he looks at me and goes 'did you think my friend was cute?' and I'm like, 'uh yeah I guess'. And five minutes later, the two guys _switch_. And the guy who was with Forehead comes in and tries to make moves! And I bolted! I grabbed Forehead and we Ubered it home so fast!"

"What's Uber?"

"Out of all the things I just told you, _that's_ what you chose to discuss further?"

"Well, I mean–"

"Worst best friend ever!"

So she hung up, yet again.

And Pein was kind of salty that he still didn't know what Uber was.

Day Fourteen

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"Pein, your voice has gotten very high-pitched and girly in the last twenty-four hours."

"Is this Ino?"

"Ya."

"This is Konan. Pein's _partner._ Stop calling him. He's mine."

"If you guys are a thing, how come he's never mentioned you to me?"

"He _what?_ "

"Sorry, girl. I didn't know you existed. But that's not my fault. That's something you and your man have to work out between yourselves."

"I have to go."

"Fuck him up, babe!"

Day Fifteen

"Hello?"

"You told Konan I didn't think we were together?"

"Pein! How'd you get this number?"

"Google. I saved your number as 'annoying chick' like last week."

"Aw, you just know exactly what to say to make me feel loved."

"That's me. The loving type."

"Well, clearly not. You and your girl have got some issues to sort out. Shouldn't you be doing that instead of calling me?"

"Well…"

"Oh my god, you're calling me for advice! You're calling me because I'm your friend!"

"That is entirely untrue. You got me into this mess, so you should get me out."

"So in other words, you want me to tell you what to tell her so she won't be mad and withhold sex anymore."

"How'd you know she was withholding sex?"

"Classic angry girlfriend move."

"Ugh."

"So here's what you do. Tell her we're just friends. But that I was annoying and that the friendship was one-sided, so you didn't see any reason to tell me personal information, including the fact that you already got a girl. And since I talked to her and told her to fuck you up, she'll probably believe you. Mistresses don't tell the main hoe to fuck up their shared man."

"Main what?"

"Just do it and tell me how it goes."

Day Seventeen

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"So you _are_ alive!"

"Ah. Hello Ino."

"I was expecting you to call me yesterday to tell me how it went with your girl."

"Oh. It went fine."

"Just fine?"

"Well… maybe a little better than fine."

"Oh. My. God. You haven't had the time to call me because you've been banging!"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. I'm your best friend so I know these things just from the tone of your voice."

"Honestly, that's kind of creepy."

"Hey, random question, but do you like snorkeling?"

"I've never tried it."

"Oh man, it's great! I'm going on vacation next week to Kiri. You should come with. Bring Konan. It'll be fun."

"I'll think about it."

"Mkay. Well I have to get to work. I'll talk to you later about it!"

Day Eighteen

"Akatsuki Hotline, this is Kisame speaking, how may I help you?"

"Aw shit, I forgot you work on Wednesdays."

"Fino!"

"Hello Kisame. How are the soccer moms?"

"Great cooks. Better lovers."

"I really did not need to know that."

"You asked."

"Only because I'm talking to you and not Pein. I meant to ask him about our vacation to Kiri."

"You're going to Kiri? I'm from there!"

"That's nice."

"Is it just going to be you and Pein?"

"Nah, I told him to invite Konan too."

"So basically you're third-wheeling."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Maybe I should come too! I've still got some vacation days left, and Itachi's been annoying lately. He writes way too much dark poetry."

"You know, that could be fun."

"Great! I'll talk to Pein about it!"

"Tell him to give me a call when he knows for sure."

Day Nineteen

"Hello?"

"What day are you going to Kiri?"

"Hello to you too, Pein."

"Yes, hello."

"I'll be leaving tomorrow from Konoha. It'll take me about three days to get to the resort in Kiri."

"Alright then. We will also leave tomorrow. Would you like to meet at the Land of Whirlpools and then travel together from there?"

"That sounds fine. But who's 'we'?"

"That would be me, Konan, and Kisame. I was told he wanted to come so as to not make things awkward for you."

"Yeah, he's the real MVP."

"The what?"

"Nevermind. I'll see you at the rendezvous-point."

Day Twenty – Konoha

"Tsunade, we've heard it from several sources that three Akatsuki members are on the move. Their trajectory leads them directly into Fire Country."

"What the hell? Where the hell are they going?"

"That's still unknown."

"Do we have any agents in the field?"

"None at the moment. But Ino Yamanaka just left today for her vacation in Kiri, and if the Akatsuki members continue on their path through Konoha, there's a good chance they'll encounter one another."

"Oh Lord help her. Send a messenger hawk to her next scheduled rest-stop to let her know."

"Yes, ma'am."

Day Twenty-Seven

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"You dickhead, you were supposed to call me when you guys got home, so I knew that you got back alright."

"Ino, we are three S-ranked nin all in an evil organization together. What could've possibly apprehended us?"

"Oh please, I've met Kisame now. I know that he'd brake for ducks."

"Unfortunately, you're not wrong."

And Ino heard a faint "quack" in the background.

"Oh, and thanks for giving me your address. I have a great gift for you guys that I'm sending in the mail. It shouldn't take very long to get to you. Who know that you guys lived in the country next door!"

"I'm sure Kisame and Konan will enjoy receiving it. They won't stop talking about you and the vacation."

"And what about you, you block of ice? Are you finally going to admit that you enjoy having me as a friend?"

"Doubtful."

"Aw man, and I thought the mani-pedis that we got together really sealed the deal."

"It'll take a little more than nail polish and massages to get me to admit such a thing."

"Well, lucky for you, I don't give up when the going gets tough."

"Lucky for me."

Day Twenty-Nine

"Hello?"

"Sharkbait!"

"Hi Kisame."

"We just got your package, and Konan and I _love_ it. I'm pretty sure Pein does too, but he refused to show it. Anyway, we're sending your scroll to be framed. It's so hilarious that the Hokage sent you a warning about us. Imagine if she knew that you were meeting us for vacation together? Oh man, that's great. We're getting it framed and hanging it up in the foyer. And thanks for the snorkels! We're in Rain Country, so we have plenty of water here. And Konan says that it was cute of you to write nicknames for us on each one. Pein might not want to admit that you're a friend of the Akatsuki, but I will."

"Aw, Kisa-bae! Honestly, I couldn't have three spare snorkels just lying around my apartment. People might start to ask who they're for. You guys would probably make better use of it there anyway. And now you can bring your own snorkels for our next vacation!"

"You're the best, Sharkbait. I'm gonna send you a present from the three of us to say thank you."

Day Thirty-One

"Akatsuki Hotline, how can I help you?"

"Pein! This gift is absolutely unbelievable. I don't even have enough words to say thank you."

"Kisame sent it."

"Oh shut up. Kisame left with Konan to get us dinner when I told you about how much I love flowers. And even if he knew, he never would've been able to properly package and send a water lily in the mail. Is this a native plant in Rain?"

"Yes, Zetsu collects native plants and breeds them in our greenhouse. He informed me that the particular water lily that we sent you was on the brink of extinction before he began to breed it under his watchful eye. As for the shipping, Zetsu also helped with that. Being a plant himself, he knew exactly how to send it safely."

Ino sighed. "I would love to see that greenhouse one day."

"Well, as you said, you're just in the country next door. You're welcome at the base whenever you'd like."

"Hm. I'll think about it."

Day Thirty-Two

"Akatsuki Hotline, this is Kisame speaking, how may I help you?"

"Hey Kisa-bae. Wanna open the front door for me?"

"Are you pulling my leg right now, Sharkbait?"

"It's raining and cold, so please open the door before I kick it down."

Day Forty

"Tsunade-sama, we just received a message from the leader of Amegakure."

"Oh? What does it say?"

"All it says is that he's granted Ino Yamanaka political immunity and requests for her to be assigned as the delegate between our two countries."

"What in the world…"

Day Fifty-Six

"It's weird not having to sneak around anymore," Ino said, shoving a fistful of popcorn in her mouth.

She was sitting on the couch, legs draped across Kisame's lap. They were sitting in the Akatsuki's den waiting for the movie to begin. On the other couch, Konan was nestled up with Pein. Itachi took the reclining chair but kept glaring at Ino, probably because earlier that week he'd let her read some of his poetry and she thought it was shit; so today she'd returned from the market with a book on how to write poetry and given it to him. He was still salty about it.

Zetsu was off in the greenhouse, tending to some of the new plants that Ino had brought from Konoha for him to add to his collection.

Hidan was locked in his room because he'd hit on Ino too much and as punishment, he'd been banished to eat his dinner in his room and wasn't allowed to attend movie night. Kakuzu was in the kitchen, counting the money Ino had given him since he'd demanded that she pay rent when she spent the night in one of their guest rooms. Deidara and Sasori were sitting on the floor at the coffee table in front of the television, working on some of their pieces of art.

The movie began and the words "Finding Dory" appeared on the huge screen. Kisame and Konan were already absorbed in the film, but Ino caught Pein's lavender eyes across the room. He smiled at her, and she smiled back.

It was just another normal day being best friends with the leader of an evil organization.

* * *

 _I know this is named after the Drake song, but the song did not inspire this considering this is a FRIENDSHIP fic._

 _I literally wanted to make this about Pein being annoyed by some Konoha kid over the phone but I wanted it to be the most random Konoha kid ever. I figured Ino was random enough but also enough of a wild card for this to be conceivable._

 _Also Kisame bangs MILFs pass it on_


End file.
